warnie\'s diary

[Ken Gargett]

WARNES MATCH REPORT FROM DAY 5

>

> SK Warne Match Report 2nd Ashes Test

>

> Day 5 of the second test. We're 1 nil up and If I was playing

>

> for England today I would be thinking... slow and steady lads,

>

> slow and steady. But I'm not thank god and his son Jesus

>

> Christ, I'm Australian, and I've woken up with a horn that a

>

> dog couldn't chew, and I'm not sure if it's because I can't

>

> wait to get that cherry in my hand and get stuck into the soap

>

> dodgers... or if it hasn't gone down since phone sex with

>

> Rianna Ponting last night. Anyway, no one in my room to stick

>

> it in, no time to get on the text messages, so I best jump in

>

> the David Gower and work up a nice lather and give the cleaner

>

> some work to do on the tiles.

>

> Hot breakfast this morning, quite by accident. Put the lit end

>

> of the ciggie into my gob while changing hands to down an Iced

>

> Coffee. Pup Clarke thought it was a hell of a joke until I

>told

>

> him I used his p00fy white skivvy to mop up after a phone

>

> conversation with his sister last night.

>

> All the boys are full of beans this morning though at breaky.

>

> Pigeon was telling everyone the odds he'd got for us to win

>

> this morning, and how he's whacked all the money he won on

>

> McGilla not being selected, straight on us. Prick could have

>

> shared his bookie with me, I happen to think we'll get up

>today

>

> too. Particularly with the team they've got on the park. Giles

>

> couldn't turn a steak into $hit. Jones couldn't keep a farking

>

> secret, or buy a run. "Bell end" wouldn't know what I was

>

> chucking at him, in fact Kay Pee and that bloke with the

>stupid

>

> name that doesn't usually get a game are there only hope.

>

> Arrive at the ground and while the rest of them are keen to

>get

>

> into the nets for a warm up, I've got plans to test out the

>

> Adelaide sewage system by sending one of the biggest t.rds

>

> Adelaide has ever seen into it. I'm only 15 minutes into this

>

> fine little session, not even up the centrefold spread yet,

>

> when I hear a muffled voice talking about the history of test

>

> cricket and how if you look back, the chances of Australia

>

> getting a win are so remote it's not worth considering, and

>how

>

> England just need to go steady, nothing silly needs to be

>done,

>

> a draw here will do just fine with 3 tests still to go, maybe

>

> we can wear down an ageing aussie side... then, along with

>that

>

> monster t.rd I was talking about, the penny has dropped... I'm

>

> in the wrong farking change room, and I'm listening to Freddy

>

> Flinstone give his pre match "inspiring" speech.... note to

>

> self, NEVER complain about punters speeches again.

>

> So with the knowledge that we now had the game in the bag, out

>

> we trot to the centre. I've grabbed the new ball and told

>

> punter I'll sort this lot out.. punters told me to pull my

>

> stupid head in and wait till I'm told.... this is what happens

>

> when you give a short man from Tasmania a bit of authority, he

>

> tries to make you pay for all the inbreeding jokes ever

>

> created. Still, I'll bide my time, we've got all day. 10

>

> minutes into session 1 and punter can't even look at me when

>he

>

> throws me the rock... of course I let him know he's made the

>

> first good call for the game, and I've asked him to trot down

>

> to fine leg please.. even he laughed at that one while jogging

>

> to first slip. An hour or so later and I'm well on the way to

>

> completely stripping any sense of pride the unwashed have

>built

>

> in the past 4 days. Strauss was easy, nice catch by Mr.

>Cricket

>

> by the way, this bloke is so good to me, and the team for that

>

> matter, I almost feel guilty about pegging his new girlfriend.

>

> Bell "end" run out by me, even when getting run out this poor

>

> ba$tard has my name next to his in the wicket column.... Kay

>

> Pee, I enjoyed this one, certainly wiped the stupid smile from

>

> his south african dial.....Giles, from one spinner to one that

>

> isn't, this was a forgettable one..... and then Hoggard, felt

>

> sorry for this poor p.ick, I've never seen anyone this ugly

>

> before, I can see why he grows that hair.

>

> So that's that... we had 168 to knock off in the final

>session,

>

> which was always going to happen. 2-0 to us, punter named man

>

> of the match, but we all know I deserved it.

>

> Beers will flow in our rooms, tears will flow in theirs. The

>

> Ashes are back, and thank god they didn't have them for long

>

> enough for anyone to realise!

>

> Love to your missus

>

> SK Warne.

[Ben]

Amusing Ken. But it could've done with an edit to make more, you know readable.

[mgillett]

It's funny 'cause it's true.