and while i\'m at it...

Ken Gargett · December 4, 2006

found these as well. some may have appeared here before and some may have even come from here, but thought that they were worth another look.

A man visits the zoo.

.

There is nothing there apart from one dog.

.

It was a Shitzu.

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1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least

one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that

he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the

steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled

him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He

shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,

"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in

the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with "hundreds and thousands." Police say that he topped

himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his

head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That

sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not

unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,

is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's

have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,

then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to

put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's

really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck

up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your

oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum

or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother

Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The

other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let

the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking

Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search

and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that

number to climb as digging continues into the night

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The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."

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and to finish on a completely tasteless note, this was sent to me by an anerican friend who got it from an aussie mate of his...

Folks,

The following came from an Australian friend:

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........fu*k it, I could win this.