Three-Card-Monte: FOH’s New Sports Column.

[MoeFOH]

I ran the idea by him, and Rob green-lighted the project. Ken sent me his first piece (which'll follow hard on the heels of this intro piece). We’re off and running!  We’ll call the thing Three-Card-Monte, I said to myself. Why not? After all, most professional writing is a scam or a confidence trick of some sort or another. And if the punters are honest with themselves they’ll see the nonsensical irony of it all. That is, if we are, as we say we are, all zealots and freaks of the brutal Church of Sport Fanaticism, then we should embrace the fact that we continually ante up to a devotion that is ultimately doomed—year in, year out. Even the championship years are nothing more than a set-up, a cruel duping to keep you on the faith train, ready to lay down another bet on the next round, certain that this time you’ve figured it all out. It’s all a game. Chase the Ace. Find the Lady. Three-Card Trick... Other names for the Monte. They all kind of seem apt in a twisted way. Objectively it’s all stupid and reprehensible behaviour. But, hell, you have to have something to fill up the blank spaces, right?

 

For me, I’ve settled happily (most of the time) on three such self-sado-masochistic behaviours, otherwise known as the Boston Red Sox, Chelsea FC, and the South Sydney Rabbitohs. Of course, as an abject addict, I dip my beak into many sports, and I wouldn’t dream of constraining this column to just my vices alone. Not at all. They’re probably just what you’ll hear me gibbering about the most. And if this house of deranged compulsions should be complete, then the confluence of half-mad, booze fuelled cigar and alcohol reviews seems thoroughly appropriate to weave into the mix. Sport. Cigars. Alcohol. That’s what we’re about. The Three-Card-Monte. Feel good about it. The trick is beyond the heathen, the sport atheist. They can only see the outlines. The marrow of the madness belongs to us.

 

My wife, for example, looks at me like I’m an idiot. This is my second wife I’m talking about now. The first one did the same thing, though. And both of them are wholly correct to have donned this physiognomy. Maxine, my wife, looks now, in my moments of receiving the sacrament of sport, at the man on the couch and wonders what happened to the intelligent, romantic man-of-letters who wooed her with lines from Whitman, Miller, Lorca, et al. And she wonders as to why he has been rudely and suddenly replaced by this demented mutant who’s now ranting in loud tones and jabbering unintelligible, esoteric drivel at the tv set, on an otherwise peaceful and calm Saturday morning in West End. I wonder about this, too. But that is Sport. Follow it with some level of animal passion or don’t follow it at all. In my opinion, it makes no sense to follow sport in a sensible, reputable, well-groomed fashion. It is a hairy, unkempt, irrational thing to be a supporter—why try to domesticate it, make bedfellows with rational behaviour? You’re likely to get a hand bitten off or get pulled through the steel bars into the Panda enclosure.

 

Of course, some taming and toning down of the beast is recommended, often required; in rare cases a sedative that acts like a blunt force trauma to a rampaging buffalo is needed, otherwise you can find yourself being ejected from establishments you’ll likely come to miss in the future (one of which is your home). But, at the very least, let it course through the veins with plenty of beastly vigour. Yes! The lows will be low, but the highs will be very high. And, yes, it’s certainly puerile behaviour, at times, but then society is often full of that. And, well, as far as I can tell mainstream society and popular culture is doing very little to make itself exemplary in discouraging infantile behaviour. Quite the contrary. A Current Affair for example.

 

If you find some level of understanding in all of the above, then you’ll probably enjoy this column. You poor bastard. It’s true. For me, I love following sport, but it can be a wretched pursuit. And it’s often worthy of censure, contains much that is abject. We’re not lopping people’s heads off or feeding them to the lions for entertainment anymore, but a lot of the surrounding elements can sometimes feel as base. In sum, sport contains much that is childish and thug-like, but no more than politics or religion. And they don’t serve beer and hot dogs at those things. So I prefer sport.

 

I guess the point is you have to clearly delineate what will and won’t enhance your enjoyment of the thing: going to a game with the maddening crowd; staying home to yell at the tv; jumping online after a win to taunt opposing fans on social media; creating, writing, reading and interacting with a sports column… Who knows? I could say I encourage or discourage one thing or another, but why listen to me? Each to his own, I say.

 

That’s what Three-Card-Monte hopes to bring to you—a forum made up primarily with sports articles, or rants loosely based on such, hopefully something of entertainment value, the odd review, but ultimately something you can take or leave at your leisure, choose your own level of involvement with. And, most importantly, some place where being a sports nutjob feels like home. Albeit a mental home, but still home.

 

—Steve McCarthy (MoeGreene).

[PatrickEwing]

I like this idea! Should be interesting. 

[MU Mike]

Sports are the only things that keep me off the ledge sometimes.

[Fugu]

Sport's the only thing I am NOT coming here for. 

But I'm perfectly fine with the idea (perhaps may help to keep the rest of the forum clean of crickets and critters the likes of them.... )

[MoeFOH]

14 minutes ago, MU Mike said:

Sports are the only things that keep me off the ledge sometimes.

Sport is often the thing sending me to the ledge. I'm a Chelsea supporter. 0-3 against Bournemouth, for example. That had me flipping through the brochure again. 

[MU Mike]

Just now, MoeGreene said:

Sport is often the thing sending me to the ledge. I'm a Chelsea supporter. 0-3 against Bournemouth, for example. That had me flipping through the brochure again. 

I can endorse this as well.

[MoeFOH]

6 minutes ago, Fugu said:

Sport's the only thing I am NOT coming here for. 

But I'm perfectly fine with the idea (perhaps may help to keep the rest of the forum clean of crickets and critters the likes of them.... )

Very much an each to his own theme to this. But there will definitely be some cigar and alcohol analysis (the professional term for "unbridled consumption of") amongst our sports jabber. 

[fitzy]

17 hours ago, MoeGreene said:

Boston Red Sox, Chelsea FC,

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

[MoeFOH]

8 hours ago, fitzy said:

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Ha ha... It'll take more than a priest or two now. A personal introduction to the saviour himself might not even be enough to drag from these hellish depths of fanaticism. You go on, leave me here, save yourself! 

[fitzy]

Hahahaha