A FewJokes

[Quint]

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

[Variant2]

85 Year Old Man Needs To Give a Sperm Count

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[Quint]

_{Divorced & Drunk}

_{A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring}

_{at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.}

_{His wife asks, "Do you know her?"}

_{"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife.}

_{She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."}

_{"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"}

_{___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________}

<sub>The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely **** my pants."</sub>

[wea1959]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband

and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,

for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her

to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing,

and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,

and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits

and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,

These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,

her husband was so astounded he could barely speak,

but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

His funeral was last week.