Lawyer jokes


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I saw another thread mention lawyer jokes. Here is one of by faves..........

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?

One is a cold blooded,slimy bottom feeder,and the other is.........

.....A FISH!!

your turn..........

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Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

I could go on forever...

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What do you have when you have 10 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

What do you have when you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand!

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You know that no one loves lawyer jokes more than lawyers right?

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."

How many lawyer jokes are in existence? Only three. All the rest are true stories.

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.



"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.


"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.


"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.


The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"


"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.


They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."


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There was once this nice, nice guy who suddenly died and he went to Heaven. In Heaven he's shown around then dressed in a simple burlap covering, given some wine and cheese, then sent to a simple hut to live in. This wasn't exactly what he had expected but all his needs were met and he settled in comfortably.

One day while walking along Heaven he spotted a lawyer he'd known who was not only - a LAWYER - but a dastardly bastard while alive on earth. This guy is dressed in a top hat, has a bottle of Chevas Regal in one hand...and a beautiful blond in the other! Well all upset the nice guy runs and finds Saint Peter to have it out. "On earth I was a nice guy! Never hurt anybody, never bothered anybody, did what I could to help people...and all I get is a simple hut and some cheap wine! And here's THIS lawyer guy over here who lied to his mother, stole from his father and tortured his sister! And he's living in the lap of luxury! It's not fair!!" "Now, now!" says Saint Peter. "It's not all it appears to be. He's got a bottle of scotch with a hole in it...and a beautiful blond without one!"

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A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

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A middle aged woman during her annual physical exam was asked by her doctor, "So how are you, Mrs Smith. Any problems, anything I can help you with?"

"Well, I don't know, Oh , never mind." She replied.

"Any thing Mrs Smith, what's the matter?"

"Well, my husband wants to do anal sex on me."

"And??" asked the Dr.

"I'm scared." She replied."I want to please him but I don't know what to do and I"m afraid it will hurt."

"Well", said the DR. "We can take care of that. A little lubricant will do the trick and you may, just may, enjoy your self. Anything else?"

"Can I get pregnant?" She asked.

"Good God, yes." The alarmed Dr replied. "That's where the lawyers come from."

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

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An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school and asks mom a burning question. Mom, she starts tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? “Don’t be silly sweetheart, of course you can.” replies her mother, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

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A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex. So I came to you for advice."

"Ok, let's see...does it hurt you?"

"Hmmmm .. a little."

"Do you like it?"

"Hmmm ..... well, yes."

"Then, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do it. If you take care about not getting pregnant."

"Getting pregnant? I didn't know you could get pregnant in that way."

"Of course you can. Where do you think all lawyers come from?"

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There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."


"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.


"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"


"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."


Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"


"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."


"But, I did send them."


"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.


"Yes. That's how we won the case."


"I don't understand," said the lawyer.


"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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