I am sure this will resonate with more than one of you...
Description of common tools.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Used to start the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of knuckle abrasions.
Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt heads. They can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
A tool used for raising a car to change a flat tire that seldom fits under a
car with a flat tire.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be used to determine the
presence of electricity.
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and
fingers, but only while in use.
Son of a ***** TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son
of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.